IQ: How It Really Should have gone
by Jellyfish Jam
Summary: The story of how the craptastic movie should have gone.  You see, the world has rules and this movie should have never happened.  Instead, please enjoy how the movie really should have gone.  Rated T for the swearing in the rants. Chapter 2 is up.
1. Chapter 1

**I.Q. How it really should have gone**

**I was just watching a god-awful movie with my friends the other day and it was very painful to watch. It was so stereotypical; we had to fast forward through a lot of the crap just so we wouldn't throw up watching it. The only thing that made it watchable was the fact that the fiancé, James Moreland, was played by the totally awesome Stephen Fry, and the fact that one of the characters was played by the guy who plays Mr. Monk.**

**The movie, I.Q. was completely biased and was one of the most offensive things I have seen since the **_**Twilight**_** series. And that series made me want to cry and stab myself to put myself out of my misery. The only funny scene in the entire movie was the scene where the main female lead and Stephen Fry are watching a movie together, and she refuses to let him eat popcorn.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned the movie, I wouldn't be ranting about it, because it would actually be good. If Tim Burton owned the movie, it would be perfect.**

**Chapter One: So what's with that Ed guy insulting a random stranger anyway? Isn't he paying him to fix his car or something?**

Catherine Boyd was very beautiful and smart (apparently. Anyone who's seen the movie would probably disagree). Being the niece of the famous Albert Einstein apparently made you automatically smart because nobody of average intelligence was allowed to be in _his_ family. She was stereotypical with her bright blue eyes, and curly blonde hair (earning the nickname "Curly-Q Cathy" amongst everyone who glanced at her and snickered behind her back) with bright red lips. That and the fact that she was so smart that she rambled on about stupid topics that were so pointless no one, not even her uncle, could care about made her seem like the perfect female to be wedded too.

James Moreland didn't think so, but he didn't really get much of a choice, his parents obviously putting him through an arranged marriage. They figured that if their son was married to the niece of the famous Albert Einstein, they too would become quite famous and popular, and then they might actually have some friends. James himself was very handsome, with a more practical kind of smart, and intelligence in fields that would actually benefit the human race, unlike knowing that there was no color in a subatomic scale. He was an experimental psychology professor, his work coming very close to a breakthrough that would benefit the entire world. Catherine was very proud of the fact and would often brag to her Uncle Albert, who found himself plagued with a fit of jealously.

Most scientists, you see, didn't really like it when others take the media's attention from them. Even the fact that James had been so thoughtful that he was designing the perfect house for his fiancé (also asking which colors she liked the most which then invoked the completely pointless and b**chy comment about how there was no color on the subatomic scale) could not quiet Einstein's discomfort towards the man. The fact that he could possibly match Einstein's IQ was enough reason to not like the man to be his niece's fiancé. Being the naturally overly controlling uncle that he was, he was not going to let his niece make her own choices, or even consult her parents, or indeed the groom himself, instead taking matters into his own hands. He needed to find someone that _he_ approved of. Someone he could possibly manipulate.

It was one fine afternoon when Catherine and James were out for a pleasant drive. They were casually discussing their wedding and what they possibly do for their honeymoon, once they were wed. Suddenly, smoke started billowing from the car and James pulled aside.

"Of all the rotten luck," Cathy groaned, waving a hand in front of her face to keep the smoke out of her pretty eyes. James scanned the road and spotted a roadside car repair shop that was obviously rising out of the road, sticking out like a sore thumb, and quite hard to miss.

"Why don't we go to that very convenient car repair shop that seemed to appear out of nowhere?" James suggested, pointing to it with a slim finger.

"What repair shop?" Catherine asked, turning in the completely opposite direction. James stared at her for a long moment before hopping back into the car with her and slowly driving up to the parking lot where three men were already standing there with big stupid grins on their faces, as if they had been waiting for them all day.

The owner of the sweat-I mean repair shop, Rob Rosetti (we'll call him "Monk") turned to his employee, Ed Walters (which is a stupid name in itself, but still).

"I'll let you take this one, Ed," he told him. "That car looks simple enough for your small sized brain."

"I appreciate it boss!" Ed replied, saluting and slinging a towel over his shoulder before walking towards the obviously together couple. That's when he passed the sign that had conveniently been blocking his view from Catherine's face, and he suddenly got a good look at her. He almost skidded to a halt at the sight of her gorgeousness.

Catherine turned in a typical movie style slowness that made the wind billow through her short curls ("Shirley Temple" is what her family called her behind her back) and she smiled a beautiful smile at him, blinking with inhuman slowness. The sheer image of what one sees when they have just met their soul mate. Especially since there was no wind blowing at all.

Then Ed spotted the female's boyfriend. _Huh, he's a lot smarter looking and more handsome than me,_ was the thought that ran through Ed's mind_. I could never compete with that! But I have to! That's my soul mate he's sitting next to! We were made for each other, she and I! _**(1)**

Determinedly, he pulled up his pants from where they had previously been at his ankles up to around his neck, and saumbered on over to the couple. Giving them a smile that really complimented his unappealing face and ugly personality, he put both hands on the front of the car and looked James in the eye, as if trying to get across the fact that he was very displeased with the fact that this smarter man had dared get with his future wife whose name he didn't even know yet. James gave him a pleasant smile, ignoring the bitterness behind the stare and decided to give the man the benefit of the doubt, though we all know he doesn't really deserve it.

"What seems to be the problem?" Ed asked him, though his eyes were locked on Catherine, whose eyes were not yet finished blinking from the previous slow "love at first sight" scene and were therefore half closed. She was still staring at the spot where Ed had previously been, her body not out of the whole cliché, and therefore giving everyone the impression that she was staring off into space.

"Our car seems to have some sort of malfunction," James replied, slightly distracted by the fact that Ed had his pants up so high, they were almost to his neck (though it makes one wonder how that is possible). With a shake of his head he added, "You know, if you couldn't tell by the fact that there's _smoke billowing out of the front where the engine should be." _

"Well let's take a look," Ed answered in one of those voices a plumber would use when looking at a pipeline in a house. He opened the hood and a family of squirrels, pigeons, hedgehogs, roosters, and a crocodile crawled out from underneath the engine and ran down the street, glad for the fresh air. James stared at the sight and turned to Catherine, who shrugged innocently.

"I thought they'd like it in there," she defended herself in an unusually high, squeaky voice that not even Christine Daae would have been able to hit. James opened his mouth to reply, but was interrupted by Ed, who had stuck his entire upper half into the engine (that may or may not have still been running).

"Well here's yer problem," Ed told them, standing up straight and addressing James directly. "You've got no spark."

"Well I know the car's lost its spark," James replied, sighing. "It's obvious that-"

"No, I mean,_ you've_ got no spark," Ed repeated, leaning forward and looking James directly in the eye, his own dark eyes widening as if to empathize something. "And yer rods kind of short too."

"Oh no," Monk muttered to the other workman. "Ed's about to drive away another costumer."

"Oh come on, Jimmy!" Catherine giggled, not hearing the "veiled" insults at all. "The rod is too short!"

"When did you start calling me Jimmy?" James asked his fiancé in a confused voice, almost completely forgetting the insulting repair man, turning to her. She opened her mouth to speak, but was once again interrupted by Edrick "Mamma's Boy."

"Of course, when I say all that," he told them. "Everyone knows I'm really implying that yer sex life is completely dead. I mean it's obvious, even though I've never met you." James clenched his jaw, but said nothing as his hand formed a fist, wanting desperately to punch him in the face.

"And it's even worse since you're British," Ed continued. "Anyone who's British is obviously no good, especially in American movie portrayals. I mean, why do you have to be so British?"

James turned to Catherine for help, but she was staring longingly at Ed, as if all she wanted was to get into his pants (which would be hard, considering they were up so high) and wasn't listening to a word of the conversation. In fact, she was standing next to the man, running her hand on his chest, her face mere inches away from his, and her mouth and tongue hanging open in longing.

Sighing, he turned to look Ed straight in the eye. He wanted to get what he was about to say through to his no doubt smallish, closed mind.

"You know," he stated. "There's a much fancier and nicer car shop right across from here." He jammed his thumb over his shoulder to where the other repair shop had magically appeared. "I can easily take my car over to that one instead. Myself, my car, my money, and my _fiancé_." He empathized the last word by leaning forward slightly, his eyes widening.

"Wait! I was just joking!" Ed said hastily. "I didn't really mean it! We want your money! And your wife's hot!"

James stared at him with a blank expression for a long moment before turning back to the car, grabbing Catherine's arm as he went. "Ok, this time, we really are leaving," he announced.

"Wait!" "Wait!" Ed called, running after them and waving his arms like a crazy man.

**(1) If you know me well enough, I do not believe in "Love at first sight", making this completely sarcastic!**

**I think I'll end the chapter there. I hope you enjoy reading it, as I enjoyed very much writing it. Especially with my friends quite literally right beside me as I type this. Remember, if you don't review, I don't write, so please review after you have accidently wet yourself laughing. I hope to have the next chapter up soon. Especially since my best friend has threatened to kill me if I don't finish this story. So read and review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Who cares that the only two people who read this are my two best friends? I'm continuing to type up chapters anyways because I hate that movie so much! So after a long time of updating my other fan fictions, I will finally update this one! Whoot!**

**Disclaimer: If I owned IQ, it would be a lot better than the worthless crap that is not worthy of having Stephen Fry in it. If **_**Tim Burton**_** owned it, however, then the movie would be a number one hit.**

**Chapter Two: And another thing, why did Einstein think a stupid repairman was better suited for his niece anyways? And if he had to make him look better with total lies obviously they weren't meant for each other, were they?**

Mr. Monk watched the couple go with disappointment. Annoyed, he turned to Ed (whom he had meant to fire six months ago but kept forgetting) and saw him staring off in the distance as if he had just seen a particularly good looking sandwich. He stormed over to his employee and waved a hand in front of his face. The only response he got was Ed sticking his tongue out, panting like a dog.

"We've lost him again, boys," Monk sighed, turning to the others. "I think he's met his true love." He let out a dreadfully long sigh. "_Again."_

The other repairmen nodded knowingly. "Another stripper, huh?" one of them asked.

"No, this one is married, by the looks of it," Monk answered. He picked up Ed, who was still drooling and as stiff as a board and swung him under one arm. "Alright Mr. Cullen, back to work."

"Okey dokey, Boss!" Edward Cull- I mean, Ed replied, still under Monk's arm and saluting.

"You're probably not gonna see her again anyways, Verne," said Ned, who called everyone "Verne." "I'd give it up if I were you."

"Nonsense!" Ed replied, standing up straight. "I know I'll see her again! I stole her watch! Now she'll have to talk to me! I'm such a genius!"

"Not to be rude," said Bob, who usually spoke in such a low voice that most people didn't realize he was saying anything in the first place, in a low voice. "But how will that help you meet her again? It's just her watch!"

"Yeah," Ned agreed, who was luckily standing right next to Bob to hear him. "If I were you, I would have stolen her wallet or something. Then you'd know her name _and _address."

"If Eddykins here hadn't scared them away he would have gotten all of that," Mr. Monk pointed out.

"Hey look!" Ed the Hairball said suddenly, studying the watch. "It has her address right here on the back!"

The men gathered around and saw a big huge tag attached to it saying "If found please return to me! It's mine! My fiancé gave it to me! Not you! And yes, he is smarter and better looking than you, so don't even think about it! I don't care that my uncle doesn't like him. He's just jealous! I mean come on! My fiancé is being played by Stephen Fry for crying out loud! No reward." The address was on the back.

"Score!" Ed cried, looking at the back of the card. "I've got her address! Now I must return it to her! Like a knight in shining armor! I'll be a hero!" He raced off and leaped onto his motorcycle, barely remembering to put on his helmet.

"Wait, Ed! I didn't say you could leave!" Mr. Monk called after him. But it was in vain because he was already tearing off down the road. "Remind me that I really need to fire him some time," he told Ned, turning to him.

"Whatever you say, Verne," Ned replied.

"And stop calling me Verne," Mr. Monk growled. "I told you, my name is Mr. Monk- I mean Rob Rosetti!"

Ed happily raced down the road in his environmental hazard of a motorcycle, his tongue hanging out like a dog. The only thought in his head was the thought of the one night stand he would soon have with his one true love whose name he couldn't care less about. He would just call her Roxanne. Yeah, that was a sexy name.

As Ed laughed to himself about how clever he was (and collided with several different things in the process including, but not limited to a dog, a girl with ice cream, an old man with a walker, a unicycle, a fire hydrant, a telephone pole, a gorilla, and a beached whale) he spotted the house that matched the address on the watch. Pulling over on a little boy's pet hamster, he pulled up his pants again, which had fallen to his ankles again and stomped up to the house.

He pulled out some breath spray and squirted some in his mouth before ringing the door bell. He was quite horrified when a scrawny old man slowly opened the door and squinted into the sunlight. He had wild white hair and a funny mustache.

"What do you want?" the old man asked. "Why are you bothering me while it's still light out? I should be in my coffin, asleep!"

"Hey! You're Albert Einstein!" Ed suddenly exclaimed, pointing at him. "That really smart dude!"

"That's what it says on my undies," Albert replied, stretching out his underpants and looking at them. "And they've never lied to me before."

"You mean to tell me that my one true love turned to some old fart?" Ed asked, horrified at the thought.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Albert asked suspiciously. "And why do you have my niece's watch?"

"Oh, I er, found it," Ed stuttered. "Yeah. And I've come to return it because I'm so great and awesome and wish to make love with my sweetheart."

"Well, you're going to have to take me to dinner first," Albert muttered under his breath.

"So you're my one true love's uncle?" Ed asked. "That's so neat-o! You should take a ride on my motorcycle!"

"I don't want to!" Einstein cried as Ed took his hand and started dragging him towards his ride. "Help! I'm being old napped!"

"But if you take a ride on my bike, maybe you'll warm up to me and allow me to try to steal your niece away from that guy who's much better than me!" Ed pointed out. Einstein stopped struggling and thought about it for a moment.

"It's true that I don't like him for any particular reason at all," Einstein said thoughtfully. "And the fact that you drive a motorcycle clearly demonstrates your lack of decency for family life. Do you have a job?"

"I'm a repair man!" Ed declared happily. "I became one right after dropping out of middle school!"

"You're perfect for my Cathy!" Einstein decided.

"Cathy?" Ed wondered. "That's not a hot name. I'm still gonna call her Roxanne."

"Okey-dokey!" Einstein replied. "Can I drive?"

"Sure!" Ed replied. "I'm sure someone as old as you would be able to drive this baby! I ain't worried one bit. Let's go!"

Meanwhile, Cathy (or "Cat the Ripper" as James liked to call her) was having a nice lunch with her fiancé, the always hot James Fry. She couldn't stop thinking or talking about the repair guy that she wanted to bang. Of course, if he wasn't smart, then she wouldn't "love" him anymore. She was only attracted to geniuses, after all. This guy didn't have much going for him; he wasn't even that good looking. Or at least, to normal females. Catherine thought this repair man was the hottest thing since toast.

"I hope he's smart," Cathy was saying. "I couldn't stand it if my one true love wasn't a genius. In fact, not smart people are a total turn off for me."

"Glad to hear," James replied, rather annoyed that Catherine was still going on about the incredibly rude repair man. "If you ask me, he was kind of an ass. I don't really think he deserves you."

"Aw, James!" Cathy replied. "You're such a suck up!" She leapt at him and gave him lots of smooches, not allowing him to breathe. "It's a good thing we're going to be married, although I still want that one night stand."

"Whatever you say, dear," James replied. "I just hope we never see him again and this entire affair doesn't turn into a really bad romantic comedy. I hate those kinds of movies. They're so cliché."

"Ha ha! Yeah," Cathy agreed, even though she had no idea what "cliché" meant.

**I'm going to stop it right here because I really want to post this and it's been way too long. So next time, we're going to meet Albert Einstein's gay friends, and we're going to poke fun at more cliché stuff. Say it with me, "This entire movie is totally cliché!"**

**Seriously, it's not even the good cliché either. What a sucky movie.**


End file.
